Finding Endings – changes to the site
I’ve been getting into contact improvisation. If you’ve never heard of it, imagine an experiment that focuses on a center of gravity which might involve one or more. It’s people pressing toward one another, rolling, lifting and random movement. Sometimes it looks like dancing. I went to an improvisation festival recently and during one of the exercises found myself with eyes closed being lifted up by two folks I barely knew.
I did a lot of nothing in that exercise.
And in the darkness left in the wake of the “nothing,” I felt belonging, infinite trust, like I was where I belonged, as if I knew who I was, aligned, joyful, and engaged.
I thought maybe I’d tie this moment to Mercury retrograde in Pisces (and its square to my Neptune) or the opposition Uranus is making to heavy planets in my natal chart. I’d talk about chaos and what it means to surrender to it. Maybe mention intuition and that time I used tarot to help my partner buy our house during a retrograde shadow period and how sometimes you just need to do things that won’t make sense to other people.
It was going to be artful, lyrical, maybe even epic. The kind of writing you’ve come to expect from me, even though I do take forever to come back and write, sometimes. But if I’m going to be even more honest with you than I’ve been up until this point, I’d rather write this as if you were here in the room with me. More improv. Less polish.
Just before the start of 2019, I got what I call an intuitive hit. These are like little impressions, thoughts, obsessions that linger. The hit said that I needed to put down my planner and that my word for the year was “nothing.”
“I did a lot of nothing in that exercise.“
At first, I didn’t know how to interpret it. I’ve heard stories of intuitives structuring their lives around hits like these. I’ve never been one of them. It was always like some kind of elite psychic club where I didn’t belong. Who would pack up a life on a cryptic whim?
I guess now, I would.
Right now, even though you haven’t heard from me in a while, I’m doing far from nothing. I volunteer in two groups in my local community. I’ve gone back to school and started working part time. I’ve been steamrolled by a thunderous wave of new relationship energy ( that means I’ve fallen in love for the mono-lovers among you) and started to help care for an elderly dog. Family has moved in and I’ve taken to sporadically supporting the hell out of them. As if that wasn’t enough, I started an entirely new intense physical activity and threw moderation to the wind (I’m not even talking about the contact y’all, I went nuts. #browngirlsclimb).
I went until injury. until panic attacks, nightmares, resentment, burnout, and disillusionment. I went until there was not one step further I could go. Now, everything needs to change. Down to the cells, down to the epigenetic sheath of my DNA strands. I’m ready to do everything I’ve been putting off for the last five years, to continue the work I started ten years ago when I first saw gains healing depression. I’m looking for “nothing” literally.
This means I’m going to stop doing some things you’ve grown used to me doing. It means we’re going to find some endings together. Just like we do in a dance where we’ve pressed very tightly together and it feels like we’ve become one being and the moment will never end. But part of us always remembers that it will and that one day there will be space between us once more.
“What if I did a lot of nothing this year?”
I’d pause giving readings, I’d remove all long-term obligations, I’d turn over all leadership positions or end projects that require I lead. Will I do, literally, nothing? No. I’ll do what my intuition leads me to do and I’ll have the space for it by setting commitments down.
I’ll create a forum where I can explore topics with you without the pressure of selling, earning, or delivering a thing. I will dance, camp, write, and study astrology. I’ll learn how to live. Maybe I’ll tell you more about this chronic illness experience. I will heal my trauma. Some of that I’ll do where you can see it for as long as it makes sense.
I always went on about being different anyhow, about my tarot practice being different. In a way this will be more of the same, except, for now, with less tarot. Thanks for taking an interest in what happens here over the last four (5?! 6?!) years. I’ll be in touch here and via the newsletter about the changes.
May we stay willing to stop doing the right things.
What’s your relationship with being seen, creating, or interacting online? Does it serve you?
Answer in the comments.